


~Your Soul & My Grace~

by Kairat11



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Castiel, Cas contemplates his fate, Cas loves Dean very much, Cas monologue, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, POV Castiel, POV First Person, Pining, Pining Castiel, in cas's head, so many feelings, the grace of an angel in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 05:33:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4379192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairat11/pseuds/Kairat11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alone, while sitting on this high and mighty mountain, an evergreen forest beneath my feet and a furious river so close I can feel its roaring clear waters; I contemplate my faith after I give what I am for the human I love above all else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	~Your Soul & My Grace~

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,  
> I just wanted to explore what was going on, on Cas's mind when confronted with sacrificing his grace for Dean's salvation from The Mark of Cain. I wrote the second part from Dean's POV as well, "Without You, I Am In Darkness"~
> 
> *Comments and kudos are always welcome :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Happy reading!

 

Alone, while sitting on this high and mighty mountain, an evergreen forest beneath my feet and a furious river so close I can feel its roaring clear waters; I contemplate my faith after I give what I am for the human I love above all else.

I heard your voice from hell, even before the order to save you was proclaimed in heaven by the Almighty Father. As soon as I laid eyes upon you and our gazes met, my grace asked, _“How have I lived eternities without knowing you? Without existing together, breathing your breath_ , _sharing heartbeats and bathing in the heat of your fevered skin?_ The grace of angels is lighting blue, soft, pure, powerful and mighty. The grace of an angel in love, is different, it undergoes transmutation. It is so rare; changing colors and becoming warmer.

Demons and angels alike can see the change; such grace is more dazzling than any other, like a jewel in the middle of a sea of sand. Angels reject it considering it impure and tainted; demons hunt it because it contains innumerable powers making possible puissant spells. For both angels and demons, Dean was his weakness but for him, Dean was his strength. He could do anything if it was for Dean. Dean, _Dean_ , each letter of that beloved name was sacred; blessing him whole whenever it rolled out of his tongue.

He knows with unwavering certainty that he started to fall for Dean in every way possible, the moment he laid his burning right hand on him in perdition and left his mark. That mark was an unconscious claim but nevertheless a claim on the soul of The Righteous Man; a soul so brilliant and flawed, so beautiful and broken, so brave and tormented.

His grace and his own being, fell utterly and irremediably in love with Dean’s soul. When he was meticulously knitting Dean back together, he fell more and more. Each part of Dean’s precious and lovely body spoke to him and in that time consuming process Dean’s soul and his grace became entwined. I was and am lost in you, without hope of finding the exit to this maze.

I am willing to give up my angelhood again; the essence that makes me Castiel for your salvation, _Dean_. I am always willing to bleed and die for you, however many times is necessary until there is nothing left of me. Eternal existence has no meaning for me anymore; it has lost its entire luster after meeting you.

I knew the filial love of a child for his father and creator; the fraternal love for my heavenly siblings as well as the sweet motherly love from the Queen of Heaven. But what I had never experienced was the love for humanity; such unmitigated, immeasurable, passionate and all giving force I learned by knowing you. Our heartfelt talks and heated fights, the infinite need oozing from every pore and the long yearning gazes; the accidental touches and the purposeful caresses, your fervent prayers and your husky pleading voice calling my name as if something holy, made me fall from my celestial perch like a shooting star.

In all honesty, I don’t regret it because I feel I have truly lived more fully in the seven years I have spent with you, than in all the millennia I have existed. _Dean_ , you gave me purpose, courage, strength and choices to do what I thought was right; instead of following orders like the warrior I was created to be. My free will was to choose you and love you.

I can sense your longing for me and it terrifies me. Many times I can’t come to you and fly into your warm embrace because I am lost and weak in spirit and mind. I wish to be with you always but you close yourself to me when I come near. My intention is not to confuse you; I only want your happiness above everything else. _What would make you happy Dean?_ I don’t know anymore.

Your dreams are nightmares and I can only see darkness as I walk inside them. I see myself ceasing to exist and then I hear your agonizing cries; your kind hands covered in waterfalls of scarlet blood and your soul tainted with wicked blood lust. I am no longer allowed to visit your dreams; you have closed your soul to me with an impenetrable iron gate. _Where did you hide the key, Dean?_

I am willing to give myself to make you light again; if my grace is what will erase your suffering, I will rip it out for you and beg you to take it from my weakened body, trembling on the cold floor. My grace is burning golden and forest green, the colors of my love for you.

 _Will you miss me if I am gone? Will you still pray so sweetly to me? Or will you move on with your new life and find happiness, forgetting my existence?_ I ask these questions to the wind ruffling the dark feathers of my wings.

My grace tells me you love me but my almost human heart is in doubt. _Do you love me Dean? Do you want me? You once said “I’d rather have you curse or not,” is that still how you feel?_ Because for me, the love I feel for you remains the same, Mark of Cain or not. _Do you need me like I need and want and love you?_ You asked me once not to ever change and I haven’t, at least not the part that is important. I have been God, Leviathan, crazy, human and angel but in all, my feelings for you remained firmly rooted and constant.

We have hurt, betrayed and in some ways forgiven each other for our faults; I have always tried to do my best but it has never been enough. I always end up messing thing up, throwing into chaos heaven and earth. When I felt like dying and ending my life, you were there, asking me to tell you what was wrong. Those words were a balm to the maelstrom in my heart; Dean, you don’t understand how a caring word from your mouth makes my anguish lighter.

When you look at me with your ethereal green gems, I lose myself in those fathomless lakes. _Who will save me from this love?_ My grace burns golden and green; the color of my love for you and the color of your malachite eyes. You touch me and I melt; you talk to me and I fly without using my decaying raven wings. You say my name in dulcet tones and I feel whole again. _Dean_ , your existence is my everlasting hope.

I am lost and in love, so in love with your soul, with your freckles and your darling face and the softness of your hair. I am in love with your fragile human body; with your voice sometimes too rough and your hands stained with blood. I am in love with the loyalty and fearlessness, the courage and the tenderness of your battered warrior heart.

You are so perfect and imperfect, yet you are flawless in my eyes. I see your faults and I don’t cringe because to me, there is no other being as dazzling as you. Your contented smile cures my sorrows and makes my obsidian feathers flutter in bliss.

_Will you cry for me when I am gone? Will you call my name in your dreams? Will you reach for me with eager hands? Will you agonize when they come back empty? Will my grace in you make you yearn for me? Will you care, Dean, if I am no more?_

I have known you for seven years and to me it has been no more than seven seconds, but those seconds mean more to me than the millennia I have flown the universe in loneliness. _Dean, you have shown me what it means to fly without my pitch black wings._

When I lost my grace and became human, I felt the full force of mortality. I felt weak like a fallen dry leaf, crushed by heavy steps. Rain drenched my freezing skin and a cold so deep seeped into my body making my frail bones rattle; I felt a pain so excruciating after millennia of immortality. My body felt raging hunger, so much hunger that I pleaded for the benevolent touch of death; thirst beyond measure made me desperate enough to bed a woman I barely knew. I felt dirty and worthless, discarded and useless; the weight of your words asking me to leave, felt as if daggers to my chest. You ripped off my wings with the sadness in your eyes, sending me away. I understood your reasons Dean, but at that moment I felt utterly alone and abandoned like a hopeless castaway at sea.

This love had made me feel like a tree in each season; dead, flourishing, dazzling and dying. Just like honeybees are vital to the survival of the human race; you Dean, are essential to my being. Please let me touch you one last time with my breath and allow my parched eyes to drink your body whole. My fingers yearn to kiss your plump lips and my grace wishes a last dance with your breathtaking soul.

So here I go to give myself for you; hoping to see your jadeite shiny eyes settle on mine and bid goodbye to you for the last time. Your salvation will be my absolution and redemption; my last gift to you who remains oblivious of my sacrifice. And I prefer it that way; I cannot bear to see your face marred with burning tears. I will remember you beautiful, brilliant and loving; a treasured dream come true.

Closing my mournful eyes and stretching my weary arms to the sides; I jump from this magnificent mountain, feeling the rushing wind beneath my wings. I can fly to you blinded as I can taste you in the air I breathe; I can follow you to another world sightless since your earthy scent is engrained in my grace. I need but only my heart to find you because our hearts are synchronized to the last beat. Your soul talks to my grace in a language lost in time and my grace sings back to you, melodies unknown to men.

I will be the haunting presence you will feel in the wind, caressing your arm and the gentle touch lingering on your skin while you sleep at night. I will be the warmth kissing your pink lips and the angel guarding your dreams.

You are my home Dean and to you I shall return one day.

After all, we do share a more profound bond.


End file.
